I wish I were an expert in:
Any kind of expertise would be pretty awesome. Something useful? Nah, anything. It is one of my life's goals to be the world's foremost scholar in something. Like, people would be all, "I have this problem, I wonder when Action Comics Number 1 was published, ooh let's ask elana max, she's the leading Superman expert IN THE WORLD," and I'd be all, "June 1938 (but the character actually first appeared in 1933)." Yeah. Just like that.
Writer, critic (getting paid to rip other people's stuff apart? Um, yes please. Actually contributing to society? Overrated), professional sleeper (a guy can dream... pun INTENDED)