Nov
10
2008

Sorry, kid, you're barking up the wrong tree: Otzi ain't yer dad. And, whoever you pops is, I doubt you dressing up like that will make him love you any more.
Sorry, kid, you're barking up the wrong tree: Otzi ain't yer dad. And, whoever you pops is, I doubt you dressing up like that will make him love you any more.Courtesy japi14
I think this came out a couple weeks ago, so maybe it’s old news to y’all—although, technically, I suppose it’s old news to everyone.

Otzi (Remember? Otzi the Iceman?) died alone.

No, wait, that didn’t come out right. Otzi the Iceman didn’t die alone—he probably died surrounded by his killers, after they had shot him in the chest with an arrow, as one of them likely finished him off by clubbing his skull in. What I meant was Otzi died alone in the genetic sense, with no one to carry on his legacy. (His legacy of being a five-foot-five total badass.)

It turns out that Otzi, in spite of his many, many admirable qualities, probably had no children. Or, at least, that Otzi’s lineage has died out since the time of his death.

Previous studies had suggested that Otzi may have had living descendants somewhere in Europe, but recent genetic research has shown that this is unlikely. Italian and British scientists have analyzed the iceman’s mitochondrial DNA—which is passed on solely matrilineally—and the results seem to indicate that Otzi was part of a heretofore unknown genetic line, and one that has probably gone extinct.

Oh, fudge. And here I was, still holding out hope.

What gives, caveladies? What was so bad about the little iceman? Too tough, I’m guessing. The same reason women could never get truly close to the Fonz.

*It occurs to me that Otzi could have had a child himself, and his mitochondrial DNA wouldn’t have been passed on. Maybe he just had equally intimidating sisters.

Your Comments, Thoughts, Questions, Ideas

Thor's picture
Thor says:

Have they cross-checked against Chuck Norris's mitochondrial DNA? Just wondering.

posted on Mon, 11/10/2008 - 3:42pm
JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

As I understand it, the only time someone got close enough to stick a needle into Chuck Norris, the needle broke.

posted on Tue, 11/11/2008 - 10:47am
Candace's picture
Candace says:

one word... wow.

posted on Mon, 11/10/2008 - 8:48pm
iowaboy's picture
iowaboy says:

huh? what does fonzie from happy days have to do with cavemen and the world's oldest bachelor? and the picture looks more like a kid anyway.

posted on Wed, 11/12/2008 - 10:21am
JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

Those are astute observations, iowaboy, and I expect no less from bright Iowa boys the world over.

Frankly, I don't remember what the connection was between all of those things—I had spilled a nalgene bottle of gasoline in my cubicle earlier in the day, and everything that happened afterwards is a little bit of a blur.

Strike that—it's a total blur.

But, like you, I don't particularly feel like reading the whole article now, so I guess everything must remain a mystery.

posted on Wed, 11/12/2008 - 10:35am
iowaboy's picture
iowaboy says:

i tried reading the entire article as well, but it was also basically a blur to me as well. when skimming through it again i saw DNA being mentioned, but the connection to the rest of the article was hard to find.

thank you, jgordon, for the compliment about the 'astute observations', though unfortunately not all iowa natives are sharp people.

posted on Wed, 11/12/2008 - 12:39pm

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