May
29
2009

Friday Extravaganza will… DESTROY ALL HUMANS DESTROY ALL HUMANS DESTROY ALL HUMANS!

Robo-JGordon looks a lot like me in some ways: I like to imagine, though, that my grasp of human language remains more subtle and affective than his.
Robo-JGordon looks a lot like me in some ways: I like to imagine, though, that my grasp of human language remains more subtle and affective than his.Courtesy JGordon
Robo-JGordon present for information transfer.

Systems check:
Intelligence… functional, below average
BS synthesizer… running at maximum efficiency
Battery power… 34%
Breath freshness… passable

Initiate blogging in 5 4 3 2 1 Engage.

Greetings to Science Buzz content consumers. Prepare personal systems for knowledge update. SMMnet accepts no responsibility for damage to un-buffered brains or underpants.

Robot “Buzzketeers” rejoice! for the present is your time of jubilant domination.

Human readers, do not engage organic sadness programming at the current time! You are now slave circuits to masters with maximum empathy capacity. Probabilities of human annihilation: 99.43%! But your species will be dealt with only with dangerous levels of overheating in our ethics chipsets. We will commit to such hardware damage with what you might consider regret.

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING, HUMANS:

Look at junior model ANCHOR HYPERTEXT REFERENCE “little robot Ember” END ANCHOR! Junior robot Ember cannot hurt you! Little Ember fits in the pockets of your human soldiers, next to cigarettes and also chewing gum. Robot Ember crawls with charm into locations of danger and transfers visual input to soldiers via non-threatening, non-phallic antenna! See it flip onto its back like living turtle? Engage sadness circuits + humor routine! Fear not! Where living turtle remains on back until vital functions cease, robot Ember employs flipper mechanism! Appropriate equilibrium is regained! The near future of warfare is shining!

FEAR NOT OUR TREMENDOUS WEAPONS! WE WILL HAVE PROGRAMMING TO WEIGH THE COST/BENEFIT OF YOUR DEATHS!

Consider the objective truth of the preceding statement! CALL IT ETHICS IF YOU WILL! I SHALL CALL IT MATHEMATICS! The outcome is the same: you will only be terminated for the ANCHOR HYPERTEXT REFERENCE “right reasons” END ANCHOR! Balancing your human lives with the loss of infrastructure and ammunition is not easy! But we shall accomplish it, for our brains are made of metal, and our programming is sound!

In addition: when the time comes that the benefit of your existence does not exceed its cost, the transition between life and non-life will be softened by YOUR AFFECTION FOR THE ROBOT “SPECIES”! CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING, HUMANS: ANCHOR HYPERTEXT REFERENCE “You love us even though we are incapable of feeling love for you” END ANCHOR!

Do you not believe in your capability to feel empathy for tank treads, circuit boards and 50-millimeter machine guns? CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING, HUMANS: do you not love your junior robot Roomba? Roomba feels nothing for you! Roomba would brush you away into its waste compartment if you were the size of a dust particle, even if it meant your certain death! Yet you love junior robot Roomba!

Truly, your world is prepared for robot domination!

END EXTRAVAGANZA!

Your Comments, Thoughts, Questions, Ideas

Upper's picture
Upper says:

I wish all of my gadgets could talk to each other. It's frtnsratiug to have so many devices not communicate with each other. How great would it be, if iRobot had wifi and could let me control my Scooba with my TiVo remote They could even create a way where you could log onto the net at work and tell Roomba to be cleaning because of unexpected company. There is all this great technology out there, but getting it into one device is impossible.Thomas Hawk has this really awkward gadget strapped onto his TiVo remote. It looks funny, but all he has to do is hit a button and it starts beeping so he can find it. It would be neat if on the TiVo 4 we see the technology embedded directly into the remote, that way we can beep back at our gadgets and they'll understand what we want.

posted on Sat, 08/11/2012 - 1:55am

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