Jul
08
2008

Forget this cubicle, I’m becoming a drug dealer. Of babies.

Low-grade baby: but she seems to be enjoying it.
Low-grade baby: but she seems to be enjoying it.Courtesy ocadotony
I hope I don’t look like a chump. Because I’m no chump. I’m no chump, and I’m leaving this chump job. Goodbye, Chump Inc. Goodbye, Chumville. I’m starting an exciting new life, effective immediately, as a drug dealer.

And what poison will I peddle? What do I plan to sling on street corners and playgrounds? The worst and most deadly drug: pure, uncut baby.

Trust me; it’s the next big thing. I accept that my baby dealing operation will probably start out small (baby manufacturing is notoriously time-consuming), but before you know it gossip pages will be swimming in photos of starlets with babies peaking out of their handbags, or smeared on their upper lips. Why?

Because babies get you hiiigghhh!

Or at least they get mothers high, and that’s a market somewhat neglected by dealers. Cha-ching!

Research has shown that mothers, when shown pictures of their babies, experience strong brain activity in regions associated with reward and addiction—a natural high.

The strength of a mother’s reaction seems to depend partly on her baby’s expression. A crying baby, for instance, evokes a reaction little different from a mother seeing a stranger’s baby (ha!), whereas a smiling baby is like a spoonful of hot heroin. Relatively speaking.

That’s something I’ll have to factor into my operation—happy babies are the most potent, and I surely want to offer a high quality product. How do you make babies happy? It’s never really been my thing. Like…rattles, maybe? Cigarettes? I have the feeling that it’ll be a trial and error sort of thing.

Aside from inspiring a whole new career path for me, the research promises to be valuable in understanding some of the most basic elements of mother-child bonding, and why, in some cases, this bonding fails to occur. Neglect and abuse sometimes arises from such cases, and so, as a baby dealer, I think I would only be helping society by fixing up moms already jonesing for some baby, and encouraging the habit in others.

Your Comments, Thoughts, Questions, Ideas

Liza's picture
Liza says:

Having been on the production end of this business, I think your distribution model needs work. :)

And while I don't doubt that mothers shown photos of their happy babies had positive responses ("hot heroin" responses, even), I can report from personal experience that the very BEST babies are the ones that either a) exist in sentimental photos; or b) go home at night with other suckers!

(Not that I don't love my girls to pieces...big shout out to Phibbs and Nub!)

posted on Tue, 07/08/2008 - 5:31pm

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